Here’s the scene: Being the one-percenter you are, you just
moved into a ritzy apartment complex that has all the amenities a 26 year-old
could possibly want: fitness center, billiards room and of course, a swimming
pool.
You’re excited as can be, so you want to throw an
apartment-warming party. I’m not talking about just having a few friends over
to check out your new 900 square-foot, one-bedroom digs either. You want this
to be on some Project X ish, except the guests will be about eight years older
so, you know, you don’t face a statty.
You’re pondering ideas on what you can do to make this the
biggest, baddest celebration anyone has ever been to, but to no avail, you
can’t think of anything outside of setting up a beer pong table (you’re rusty;
it’s ok, you haven’t thrown a party since college).
But then that “a-ha!” moment hits when you’re listening to
the radio and Kendrick Lamar’s new joint “Swimming Pools” blasts through your
speakers. The song puts you into a trance with its hypnotic beat and rhythmic
chants of “drank”. You’re grooving along to the song when the chorus hits:
Why you babysittin’
only two or three shots?/ I’m a
show you how to turn it up notch/ First you need a swimming
pool full of liquor then you diiive in it it/ Pool full of liquor then
you diiiiiive in it
That’s it- you have your answer! You don’t even need to hear
the other four bars of the hook; you know exactly what you need to do- get a
swimming pool full of liquor (then dive in it once the swimming pool is full of
liquor). You already have the swimming pool (good thing you moved into that
fancy shmancy apartment complex!); all you need to do now is go out and buy
some liquor. Well, a lot of liquor.
That’s when it hits you: If
I want to do Kendrick Lamar proud, I’m gonna have to spend a considerable
amount of cash. But how much? Let’s take a look.
First, you catch a break: the swimming pool has been emptied
of its water due to renovations (don’t worry, it’s not locked off or anything,
you can still get in there). Otherwise, you would have had to go to management
and ask them to empty the pool for you, at which point you would have had to
explain your grandiose plans to management, which would have not been the best
foot to start out on with them. Even if they went along with your plan, the
costs of emptying the pool and then filling it up when the party is over would
have most likely fallen on you. This would have cost you anywhere from $70 to $150 if you decided to go with a professional pool service- save that money for
the licka!
You’re going to need a lot of it- try 30,000 gallons worth
(since it’s a community pool serving the whole complex, it’s a little bigger
than your normal backyard job). This is starting to sound expensive.
You’re a vodka person at heart, and you don’t believe in
mixing the pool with different types of liquor (who knows what kinds of
problems that could or could not pose!), so you decide to look at a few
different brands and see how much a handle is going for:
Brand
|
Price (handle)
|
Absolut
|
$32.99
|
Svedka
|
$22.99
|
Gray Goose
|
$58.99
|
Skyy
|
$23.99
|
Smirnoff 100p
|
$34.99
|
Ketel One
|
$40.99
|
Belvedere
|
$59.99
|
Keep in mind, a handle is 1.75 liters, and there are 3.78541
liters in one gallon. This leads to some straightforward math: 3.78541 ÷
1.75 ≈
2.16309143 handles in a gallon. And 30,000 x 2.16309143 ≈ 64,892.7429. But let’s round
up a little bit and say you will need to purchase 64,893 handles of vodka to
fill your swimming pool.
The question then becomes: How much would it cost to fill up
a pool of vodka with 64,893 handles? Let’s chart this for your convenience (it’s
about the last bit of convenience you’ll have):
Brand
|
Price (handle)
|
Price to Fill up Pool with said brand
|
Absolut
|
$32.99
|
$2,140,820.07
|
Svedka
|
$22.99
|
$1,491,890.07 (the economic choice)
|
Grey Goose
|
$58.99
|
$3,828,038.07
|
Skyy
|
$23.99
|
$1,556,783.07
|
Smirnoff 100p
|
$34.99
|
$2,270,606.07 (the “I don’t want to seem cheap, but I don’t want to
show off how much gwop I really got” plan)
|
Ketel One
|
$40.99
|
$2,659,964.07
|
Belvedere
|
$59.99
|
$3,892,931.07 (the “we doin’ it big tonite!” option)
|
Unless you have free access to a fleet of U-Haul trucks, you’re
looking at some pretty big transportation costs too, though I would hope that
the liquor stores (you didn’t think you’d be able to buy 64,893 handles at one
store, did you? Don’t forget about the gas costs!) would help you move the
product back to your apartment. However, my guess is that unless you have Bilderberg
money, you’ve already probably been priced out of following the orders of the
person who whispered into Kendrick Lamar’s ear at the function during which he
was babysittin’ a couple of shots. If you do have Bilderberg money, you’re
probably not living in a 900-square foot apartment.
In the snowball’s chance in hell that you a) can afford millions in handles and b) live in an apartment complex, there is the
whole matter of pouring the vodka into the pool. I’m no expert in viscosity (or
vodka, for that matter), but let’s generalize and say it would take roughly the
same amount of time to pour equal amounts of water and vodka from the same
container.
It takes roughly 8.8 seconds to empty out a 710 mL (24 oz)
bottle of water. More math to follow:
1750 ÷ 710 ≈ 2.46478873 x 8.8 ≈ 21.6901408 seconds to empty out a
handle of vodka. Let’s give you some breathing room and round up to 22 seconds
since I’m a generous guy.
Thus, if it takes you 22 seconds to empty out one handle of
vodka, it will take you 1,427,646 seconds to empty out 64,893 handles of vodka
to fill up the pool. That’s 23,794 minutes, or 396.568333 hours
(approximately), or 16.5236806 days spent in just the action of pouring the
vodka into the pool. You also have to consider bending down to pick up the
bottle, opening up the bottle, putting the bottle back and getting a new one.
Those intermediate actions would take you about 10 seconds combined, so
multiply those numbers by 1.45 (because 10 goes into 22 0.454545… times, and I’ll
politely round down for you), and you get 2,070,086.7 seconds, or 34,501.445
minutes, or 575.024083 hours, or 23.9593368 days, or 3.422764 weeks.
I hope you have some friends, because time is money like that
Styles P and Joell Ortiz track. Living in a 900 square-foot apartment, I’m
guessing you make about $60,000 per year (you can afford $3 million of liquor thanks
to the old money that runs in your family- this is a stretch), or about $30 per
hour. You probably want to have this party ASAP because it’s an
apartment-warming party; the whole thing is to celebrate the newness of moving
into your new plush apartment complex. If you do this by yourself around the
clock, starting on a Monday, you would miss 18 days of work and lose $4,320 in
opportunity costs (assuming $30 per hour on a 40-hour work week). You’re gonna
need some help, because you’ll need to sleep at some point. As many people as
you can round up…
Good thing you didn’t have to spend that $70-$150 on
emptying the pool in the first place.
The second part of the equation- diving into the pool- seems
like a free venture at first…until you realize that swimming in alcohol is pretty
impossible to do. You will most likely drown, which would prompt a 911 call. An
ambulance ride, depending on where you live and how close you are to a hospital,
could cost more than $2,000. Hopefully you have insurance; it'll help a good bit, but you'll still be pretty screwed.
If you somehow survive, you will be on the hook for a night
in the hospital or two, which could be about $5,000 per night. Again, you
better have insurance. You probably do since you can afford a 900 square foot
apartment in a ritzy complex, so you won’t have to worry about a five-figure
hospital bill when it’s all said and done.
Your cheapest option- if you decide to dive in the swimming
pool full of vodka- would be to just die and let yourself drown. That way, you
eliminate the hassle of having to save your life with exorbitant ambulance and
hospital bills.
You thought the $1.5 million-plus alcohol bill would be
where the costs stopped, didn’t you?
After analyzing all this information, you probably realize
it isn’t economically feasible to get a swimming pool full of liquor and dive
it; you’re better off babysitting a Jagerbomb or two and setting up a beer pong
table. Oh well, you tried.
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